The last week has been hard. I’ve written about my chronic pain before, and as of last week I tried a new treatment.
And I got pills. Getting pain medication is hard to do these days if you have an actual pain condition. There are hoops to jump through, questions to answer. And then once you have the drugs, you have to take them.
I’m struggling with drug compliance because I’m in pain right now, and it is hard to write, and hard to focus, but when I take the pills I am sleepy, and floppy. And while the pain recedes a bit, it is still there, waiting to kick my ass some more.
I am incredibly angry and frustrated with the body that I live in. But I struggle with the compliance because I fear addiction. My family history makes me fear the pills in my medicine cabinet, and I take them cautiously. But even if I were addicted, this certainly isn’t the way I’d go about it. Like I said, even when I take them, the pain isn’t fully gone. Even when I take them I am sleepy, and floppy. It’s not a high I could enjoy. And really, I’m okay with that. I am ok with knowing that while these pills make me functional, I can’t really enjoy them.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with compliance. I am not the only disabled person who fights with their brain every day to take the damn pills, because we are trying to live better through chemistry.
That doesn’t necessarily make it any easier. We still have to struggle with misconceptions about the
pills we’ve been prescribed. We still have to worry whether or not people will ask if they can have some “for fun”.
I am struggling to live in my body this week, and I don’t really know when that will end.